Sunday, January 30, 2005

~Failure

Tried to keep this extra little blog going for the crappy, day-to-day stuff in my life but I hardly write enough for one blog let alone two, so from now on I'll be concentrating on the other one.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

~Achievement

Giving up smoking is good, right? I'm pleased to announce that somehow I managed to stop smoking for eleven whole hours yesterday. How's that for willpower?

Actually, I was asleep for about eight of those hours. As for the other three I was up really late, I'd run out of cigarettes and all the nearby shops were shut. The next morning I couldn't wait for.... well.... you know the rest. Never mind, there's always tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that.

Friday, January 21, 2005

~Blonde

One of the good things about time spent working in pubs and bars is that you get to witness some memorable conversations. Here are a few lines I'll never forget.


Him: "I get the impression most of the people round here are inbred."
Her: "You mean.... like in a sandwich?"


Her: "What the fuck are you staring at?"
Him: "I've no idea.... I've never been very good at puzzles."


Him: "We have the same birthday! That means you're an aquarian too, right?"
Her: "Huh? How does us having the same birthday make me a fish tank?"

~Truth

Remember when in Nirvana's 'Come As You Are', Kurt Cobain kept repeating the line 'I don't have a gun'?

He lied.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

~Ritual

Darkness draws together the shadows across the concrete jungle I call home. A few of the more dominant females venture out into the gathering gloom to call their offspring in before nightfall. One cry rings out louder than all the rest:

"Oy! Get yer fuckin' fat arse in here right now, ya li'l bastard!"

You'd think this mother would have learnt by now that screaming insults and obscenities doesn't really work, but then she's possibly not the brightest firefly in the wood. Fat arse hangs back longer than the rest as he always does, whining in anticipation of that customary clip around the ear. Still, he may be one of the lucky ones since most of his pals' mothers really don't seem to give a shit if their kids stay out all night.

One thing has always baffled me though: who is this woman aiming her insults at when she calls her own child a bastard?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

~Detour

Years ago, my first wife Connie and I would often....

What?! How many times have I been married? What the hell has that got to do with anything? Well if you really must know, I've been married twice, OK?

Years ago, my first wife Connie and I....

What now?! What? Any children? What difference does it make if I've had any.... oh, never mind. Since you asked, wife number two probably qualifies because I met her when she was still in school. Happy now?

Years ago, my first wi....

Jeesus! What is it this time? You want to know what Connie is short for? Why, for God's sake? Connie is short for Cornelia. Yes yes, I know it's a crappy name. I know the poor girl's parents must have had a really evil streak to come up with that one.... but they were German, and Germans are evil as we all know.... calling their kids Adolf and Wolfgang and such. It could have been much worse: I could have married a girl called Wolfgang.

Now then, where was I?
....
....

Oh, to hell with it.

~Overkill

I don't really understand why they bother with film credits. A mention in the credits is supposed to be a huge pat on the back for contributing to the film in some way, right? It's supposed to help with your career because everyone can see you were involved, right? Well, how can that be, when nobody ever reads them.

Except me, but then I'm just a bit weird.

In my defence I'm usually trying to find out who performed the songs used in the soundtrack, but every now and then I come across something at the end of a film which amuses me. Last night it was something not all that uncommon yet something which never fails to make me smile and think of Monty Python: a credit for the people who produced the credits.

I was still disappointed. This time they completely forgot to say who made the tea.

Monday, January 17, 2005

~Irony

Today I'm supposed to be visiting the doctor. The only trouble is, I just don't feel well enough.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

~Performance

Q: Do people laugh at so-called 'surreal' comedy because they really think it's funny, or because they think they're supposed to think it's funny?

A: A fish.